If you haven’t gotten your Valentine a gift yet, fear not. There’s still time. (But also, seriously? Pick up the slack, buddy).
That said, I’m not here to give you last-minute suggestions, because, for one thing, I haven’t celebrated Valentine’s Day in 15 years when I had a heart-shaped box of candy couriered to my high school girlfriend and it turned into a disaster Kurt Cobain wrote a song about. And for another thing, it’s Valentine’s Day – either wise up and don’t celebrate it at all or if you must, get a gift from the heart. Not something you read about in an online listicle.
What I will tell you is that if you got your Valentine any of these gifts, or you even consider it: DON’T! Whatever you do, just don’t.
Chocolate: Delicious. Wine: Delicious. Pairing them: A great idea. In fact, Google “wine and chocolate pairing” and you’ll find about a gagillion articles about how to go about doing this. Feel free to pick one and go for it (or better yet, pair cheese and chocolate).
What you should not do, under any circumstances is pop the cork on a bottle of “chocolate wine,” which is either a really misguided attempt at mixing two amazing things or is an evil plan to destroy them. Yet, somehow, there are quite a few of these products out there. Who knows? Maybe they’re delicious under the right circumstances – just please don’t get one in the name of romance.
24-karat gold doughnuts
When a fictional Jack Donaghy sat down at a table at Plunder to dig into a bowl of ice cream topped with the world’s most expensive chocolate; black, white and clear truffles; and 25-karat gold leaf, it was totally absurd. Yet, a few years later, for some reason, real-life humans just keep insisting on wrapping food in 24-karat gold leaf, because our eating habits aren’t excessive enough.
The latest in a line of people producing foods seemingly intended for Donald Trump is Adelaide, Australia’s Club Gold, which has created a Valentine’s-Day-only gold-crusted, Cristal champagne-infused doughnut. They only cost $100 each, and Gold Club deliver!
This one isn’t exactly marketed specifically for Valentine’s Day, but the timing of this pink vodka is more than a little curious. Does your Valentine love vodka? Get her a bottle of Russo-Baltique (if you have an extra $1.3 million laying around and have literally run out of things to do with your money). Does he love rosè? Get him a bottle of 2010 Chateau d’Esclans Garrus. Heck, get a box of pink Franzia. Just don’t get the bastardization that is rosè vodka (though I’ll admit, it does look kind of delicious).
On second thought, this might work for someone who hates Valentine’s Day but loves fried chicken – or for a nostalgic millennial who longs for his childhood scratch-and-sniffs.
Everyone from Auntie Annie’s to Dunkin’ Donuts to Papa John’s thinks making their food heart-shaped somehow qualifies it as Valentine’s worthy. (Hint: If you can find it in an airport, it’s not romantic). Seriously, take a look: the list of heart-shaped offerings is overwhelming.
And not that there’s anything wrong with, say, pizza on Valentine’s Day (in fact, if anyone wants to get me a Valentine’s Day gift, I’d happily take any-shaped pizza), just make sure it’s pizza you can’t find at an airport.
Better yet, make that heart-shaped pizza yourself, because nothing says romance like a homemade gift.
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