Here are the most terrifying St. Patrick's Day foods you can eat this weekend

Photo via Skyline Chili

Here are the most terrifying St. Patrick's Day foods you can eat this weekend

Bizarre foods

Here are the most terrifying St. Patrick's Day foods you can eat this weekend

Despite being one of the symbols most closely associated with Ireland, very little is known about the real St. Patrick – a bishop and missionary who lived in the fifth century. He did leave behind two written texts, a letter to a group of British soldiers and a slim autobiography he called his Confession. “I am imperfect in many things,” he wrote. “Nevertheless, I want my brethren and kinsfolk to know my nature so that they may be able to perceive my soul’s desire.” If this weekend’s celebrations are any indications, his desire was apparently to wear a novelty t-shirt from Old Navy, drink a 10-pound cocktail and get violently ill on the hood of a stranger’s Prius.

Restaurants across the country will be celebrating every amateur drinker’s favorite holiday with an unholy assortment of food and drink specials. (No, they’re not all bad: some joints will just take a well-intentioned stab at corned beef or boxty and call it a day). But a few others have designed such truly unsettling menu items that, if St. Patrick had seen them, he might’ve left the snakes alone and opted to drive restaurant owners out of the country instead. Here are a few of the most insane St. Paddy’s-themed foods and drinks that you can order tomorrow:

Green glitter beer

According to its Facebook page, San Diego’s Full Circle Brewing Co. has taken the obligatory green beer one step further, adding bits of glitter to it. “We’ll be serving this all day,” it…promises? (Warns? Threatens?) No, glitter beer isn’t a new thing, but the combination of sparkles and deep emerald brew just makes it look like someone shoved Tinkerbell into a Vitamix.

Green 3-Way

Skyline Chili, the Cincinnati restaurant that helped convince large swaths of the midwest to eat chili on a bed of spaghetti, has cracked open its food-coloring stash – and you know where this is going, right? That’s right: Skyline’s signature chili dish will be served with a pile of bright green noodles. “On St. Patrick’s Day, adults usually go out and drink,” Gary Holland, the Skyline franchisee who designed this monstrosity, said. “For families, what are you going to do? Start the tradition of going to Skyline and eating green 3-ways.” Oh no, Gary, the adults are still gonna need a drink after this.

O’riginal Glazed Doughnuts

OK, first, I love Krispy Kreme donuts. Honestly, someone could release a video of a Krispy Kreme worker telling an elementary schooler that Santa isn’t real and his grandma never loved him, and I’d still be like, “Oooh, wonder if the hot light’s on.” Unfortunately, this weekend’s Hulk-green donuts are just a step too far. “Bring a dozen […] to the office to celebrate!” Krispy Kreme suggests on its website, and I sincerely hope that anyone who takes ONE of those things to work is fired immediately.

Luck of the Irish Pizza

Photo courtesy Caesar’s Palace

Flour & Barley pizzeria in Las Vegas will serve something called The Luck of the Irish pizza, which comes topped with “pesto cream sauce, Brussels sprouts, potatoes, sausage and corned beef.” I’m not sure what you read, but my brain just registered that sentence as “Nope, nope, nope, nope and noooope.”

Luck of the Irish Super Sundae

If you’ve ever heard yourself describe the McDonald’s Shamrock Shake as “too basic” or “too mainstream” or “too healthy,” then get yourself to Serendipity 3 in New York City this weekend. It’s serving a Luck of the Irish Super Sundae, a $19.95 dessert-slash-DIY Diabetes Kit that includes a slice of green velvet cake, a scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream, hot fudge, a green lollipop, green whipped cream, mint chocolate M&Ms, green popcorn and crushed green candy. The entire mound is served inside “an upside down Leprechaun’s hat” which will make you immediately recognizable to the paramedics after your heart explodes.

Oh St. Patrick, we’re all so sorry.

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