It had been a long day in Berlin, and I had what felt like a marathon-length walk from the S-Bahn station to my rented apartment. There were two takeout joints on the way, a kebab stand that seemed to be the go-to for anyone whose blood alcohol level was just pure Sternburg beer, and a pizza place. I pulled myself through that shop’s door, ordered a pepperoni-and-cheese to go…and then seriously considered causing an international incident when I took one bite and realized they’d topped it with tuna instead.
I’m not a person who believes in a lot of absolutes, but seafood does not belong on a pizza – in any form. (DON’T @ ME). But in addition to giant clumps of tuna, other people seem to have no problem defacing their pies with ranch dressing, pineapples, peas or other items that should honest to goodness put you on a government watch list. Here are a few of the worst crimes against pizza that I’ve ever had to witness – and, after this, I hope I never have to look on these vile creations ever again.
In 2013, foodie blogger Cookie + Kate shared her recipe for strawberry, basil and balsamic pizza, which honestly sounds like the worst crossover event in history. (The post began by trying to raise money for disaster relief, which is ironic considering the disaster of a pizza she was promoting).
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I'm not a pizza person buuuut… I'm going to try this tomorrow. Call me weird and whatever all you want. If I find me some strawberries I'm a get me some strawberries and am gonna get me a pizza and put them strawberries on the pizza. Might even get some nutella too Idk. Image found on Google images #ThisMustBeAScottishThing #ImWeird #StrawberryPizza
This idea made its way around the internet again last year, when a now-suspended Twitter user named @moonemoji shared a picture of this nightmare. “The police are on their way, I hope it was worth it,” one rational thinker responded. Honestly, I hope this pizza is why @moonemoji was booted from social media.
Pizza Dipped in Milk
There are a lot of foods that taste great when they’re dipped in milk, like Oreos, Double Stuf Oreos and Chocolate Oreos. A slice of pizza is noticeably absent from that list, because WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO THAT? “Pizza + Milk = a great combination,” @Zay tweeted, a post that proves that aliens exist and are walking among us undetected.
If you see someone dunk their pizza in a glass of milk, throw a large net over him or her, and then call NASA to collect them immediately.
Serious Eats calls itself “the world’s most trusted authority on deliciousness,” and that description is hard to argue with. It’s rare to find any missteps in its archive of in-house recipes and taste tests, but the Peepza is one glaringly obvious (or pastel and obvious) mistake.
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Celebrate Easter in only the way that Boston can: with some Peepza (that's peep pizza) from @dirtywaterdough! Would you be adventurous enough to give this creative slice a try? – #easter #eastersunday #spring #celebrate #fun #peepza #peeps #pizza #boston #Massachusetts #thingstodo #familyfun #food #Bostonfood #nonprofit #nptech #Bostontech
Founding editor Adam Kuban took several boxes of everyone’s least favorite Easter candy-slash-packing material to a New York pizzeria where he and the chef brainstormed the best way to bring this travesty to life. “It was a lot of fun to make and it actually doesn’t taste as bad as you might think,” he said.
“I doubt even my 10-year old niece or 13-year old daughter back in Newark would ever even think of such a thing,” one commenter added, and when something is too wrong for New Jersey, then you know it’s wrong.
OK, there are already pizzas that are appropriate for serving at holidays – they’re called pizzas. One does not need to ruin Christmas by putting candy canes on a fresh-from-the-box DiGiorno’s, baking it and serving what had to taste like a combination of tomato sauce and toothpaste.
“‘Tis the season…to be jolly, my dudes,” David Sanchez tweeted. Well, it was the season to be jolly, until this happened. Sanchez’s choice of pizza toppings even went too far for DiGiorno’s. “PLEASE STOP DOING THIS,” the company responded.
Canned Spaghetti Pizza
Last April, Bill English – New Zealand’s prime minister at the time – sparked countrywide outrage when he emptied a can of spaghetti on his homemade pizza. “Cooked dinner for the family last night – like if you agree with tinned spaghetti on pizza!” English wrote in a now-deleted Facebook post.
Even worse, he admitted that the finished product was “soggy,” because he didn’t drain enough of the liquid out of the spaghetti can. He also added “Goes well with pineapple,” so yeah, this entire pie is clearly the worst thing that an elected official has ever done. English was voted out of office several months later, which is in no way a coincidence.
Melting cheese on my doormat does not make it a pizza. Arranging pepperoni on my sofa cushions does not make it a pizza. Putting pizza toppings on a thin layer of mashed cauliflower does not make it a pizza.
It has been more than a year since that unfortunate night in Berlin. I still wish I’d stopped for a kebab instead.